deep breath. 15 seconds think of positive things. i passed my exam. i had a great trip to the island with five great people. i found the two of hearts. i experienced magic two days ago. the sun is out. was that 15 seconds yet? okay. i don’t really feel better, but i think i do.
so yeah. i’m officially in the ph.d. program. i found out by email from student services that “my application for a masters degree had been approved by the germanics dept.” totally anti-climatic. i’m just a number, there was no feedback on all my work…just a “you passed.”
so i took a trip over the weekend to celebrate. to clear my head. to get away. we were supposed to go to vacouver, but i got stopped at the border. they did a background check on me and then a huge border patrol officer with ice grey blue eyes brought me into a small room and asked me if i had ever been arrested. my heart sunk. images of stealing clothes from the mall as a teenager with my friends started flashing in my head. the store clerk yelling at me, the cops handcuffing me….. shoplifting…. 8 years ago. i remember sitting in the back of the cop car, handcuffed and the song, “just like a white winged dove, sings the song sounds like shes singin…ooo baby ooo baby ooo” was playing on the radio. so i admitted to officer ice eyes that i had been arrested. then he started drilling me with questions, what did i steal, how much was it worth….and i couldn’t remember what i stole, or how much it was worth and he thought i was lying. after about 20 minutes of intimidation, he told me i was not allowed into canada because i’m not only a criminal but a threat to canadian citizens, and they do not let criminals into canada. i had to keep from laughing at that moment because he was very serious. so then asked him if i was forever banned from canada and he said until 2010, because in 2010, if i have no other arrests, i will no longer be considered a threat. then he made me sign a contract that said if i try to cross the border before 2010, they will arrest me on the spot.

so i slowly walked by to my friends and told them i couldn’t go with them to canada…so we all went to wouldbe island. Would be, couldbe, shouldbe….there was a guy i was dating last fall who a really liked, who left seattle to moved to wouldbe island, i was bummed. i thought about him a lot while we were on the island picking up seashells, collecting rocks, drinking,… yesterday morning i got up early to go for a walk cause everyone was passed out still. i brought my 35 mm and had some black and white film i wanted to shoot. yesterday was beautiful…the cascades were snow covered and clear, rising up behind the ocean. i had to idea what town i was in because we arrived on the island at like 2 a.m. and were very lucky to get a hotel. i wanted to explore the town, so i went to a little coffee shop to write in my journal and watch people. as i was standing at the counter looking through my purse, i heard someone say my name. i looked up. it was him. J damn. my hands started shaking, my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. i was speechless. but it was beautiful! we smoked a cigarette, talked, he drank a coffee with me. i kept staring at him. i decided we were meant to be together forever because of this coincidence. then he said, “i just had a baby girl last month” ABORT ABORT ABORT!!! damn. that sucked to hear that. but i guess in the end, it doesn’t really matter….he lived on wouldbe island, not in my city. it was just cool though. that innocent coincidence. fleeing love. i couldn’t stop smiling. then i found a card yesterday. the 2 of hearts. i had to smile more.

and now reality hits. and the magic left me. and i’m dissatisfied with the people i’ve met in this city. i really miss my friends in germany.
but whatever…fuck it. who cares. in the end we are all alone anyways.

and i know i’m cool…because i am banned from canada and how many people do you know that can say that!