it was such a beautiful weekend here. it didn't rain once! this is awesome. t shirt weather. sometimes i feel guity about the effect of global warming. my mom came to visit, she just wanted experience being in the boat with me. it was fun to hang out...i felt sad when she left. i noticed kind of for the first time that my mom is getting older, that she needs more time. it's kind of a wierd feeling because my mom has always been so active, kayaking, hiking -taking us on these rediculous backpacks in the summer,....i don't know...she just seemed a bit more timid this trip. i think she realized it too. blah. i hate to think of my parents growing older.

so i'm sitting here at the tug...i just spilled red wine all over the white carpet and freaked out. i managed to keep it clean during the entire party but now, when i'm alone with the cat...now i spill the red wine.

i came to the realization over the weekend that i think ...well wonder if i should really pursue a ph.d. it will take me 6 more years to finish...that means i'll be 32 by the time i'm finished. i won't quit right away because i still want to spend a year in turkey. but i'm wondering if i should look into something else...where i could really be pursuing my dream. as a creator. whether i'm writing or taking pictures or interacting in the international community. i'm antsy to get out of the university....but i also want this knowledge... i wish i could just already know everything that i'm going to learn over the next 6 years and incorporate that into now.

i also decided i need to change my look. apparently i'm giving off the lesbian vibe because in the past year a total of 6 people asked me if i either was a lesbian or had a girlfriend. caitlin swears its because of my shoes. she told me to burn them and that i have no femine shoes. i think she's right cause last week one of my former students who i was hanging out with, took me out to lunch...she suprised me by taking me to hooters -um...yeah never been there before. she told me to look at it as a cultural phenomenon. -all american fast food served with huge breasts. of course we were the only girls, and our waitresses were really perky. anyways...during the meal, amber started letting me know that she was interested in women. um --i didn't think most lesbian women would be interested in hooters women...but apparently she was. it took me a while to catch on that she was being inquisitive of my sexual orientation.

pffff.

i need new shoes. really. i need to start radically feminizing myself. i wonder if i should quit wearing that hat. i wear the hat mostly cause i don' t want people to look at my red eyes.

anyways...i have to get back to reading. on this list for tonight. Some secondary literature to defining rituals in performance liturature i.e. dramas. ain't that exciting.

okay so i'm in a better mood tonight than i was the other night. stress. grrr. but i'm entitled to it for another three months. so i'm chillin right now on the boat, my mom is coming tonight. she was jealous i was on the tug so she drove from montana to stay with me for the weekend.

i've met two people on the bus rides. i love watching the bus communities. the first guy was a pretty hot med student, who has a turkish wife. after talking for about 10 minutes, he got off...there was a wierd -should we exchange numbers- pause...and then he just smiled and got off. then i met a homeless guy living in a tent. i thought he was a student carrying a suitcase. at first he kept bugging me because i was trying to read, but then i listened to him...i think he wanted to talk and was newly homeless. he told me about some big tent community outside seattle.

school is stressing me out. i'm getting all these zits, i look like crap, i haven't bought new clothes in a year, my hair is frizzy....haha. aaaaaaaaaaaah

well...at least i have this view and this tugboat for one more week.

few thoughts from the chickamauga

that's amber doing her posh spice pose on the boat this afternoon. the sun was out! it wasn't raining...perfect day. i smoked way too much today, my eyes hurt, i'm tired and really cranky.

someone asked me the other day why i still want to write a blog....so maybe its narcism right? that i think my life is so cool that i'll want to read about it later on...or that i think other people would want to read about my life. but really....i think the real reason i write is because i don't like people. is that wrong? when i say this...i'm being completely honest. i dislike 98 percent of the population of the world.

even my best friend back in montana...the capricorn film star....the one who i'm writing the script with.....pffff....it's shit everyone. it's like my life, based on all my journals...with a displaced capricorn playing me! so she takes all my experiences and places herself as the main character....and even though she does have 'hollywood' connections....and knows all the people one has to know to make a film and has all the money to fund the project.......i'm thinking....fuck this. take my name off the script. be done with it. i don't want to make her version of my life and i'm not willing to compromise on certain aspects. b.aaaaah. in discontinuing work on the script, i will have to initiate a huge cat fight with my best friend...which may lead to severe friendship consquences. this sucks.

okay....so i'm a narcissist. yes, i think everyone in the world needs to think a little bit more like me....doesn't need to revolve around me....but everyone needs to have my ideas because my ideas are right....most of the time.

i don't like most people in the entire universal stratosphere right now including/(sometimes except for) myself. but this is what its like for most people i think...even though no one else really says it. even at my pirate party....i looked around at all the guests at one point in the evening and thought...

"well, these are all the people you were able to bring to one spot over the past year and a half -this is your selection of people"

i honestly have to say i needed to get very very fucked up in order to relax and have fun with them. i'm so on edge around everyone. so what do i do? leave the program? leave this city? go write....go write about what....of course it would be great to be an international writer where you could travel around and take pictures and tell stories ....tell real stories...since the media is into reality right now. but everyone would love that job and i don't know how to do it and make money doing it. if i could do and support myself, i would be gone in a minute.

so i'll remain shackeled in acedamia until i can find a way out.

by the way and on a completely different note....it's kind of scary on the tugboat at night. i'm scared of sea creatures looking at me....or of some big ugly fisherman breaking into the tugboat and killing me just because i'm planted in the middle of an industrial boat yard where no other humans dwell. oh by the way...this boat is historic too. its the first ever diesel powered tug boat to have run in the usa. its called the chickamauga...and it's even on the internet.

okay i have to go to bed. my eyes are burning.

raging pirates

har mateys. so life is crazy right now. i moved onto a tug boat for three weeks. a friend of mine went to europe and he needs me to watch his cat, so that's how i got this sweet deal. i need to take a picture of it from the outside so you can see the whole boat. it's located in an old shipyard, there aren't any other house boats out there so it's a bit freaky, but i decided to throw a party on it last night.

i had to!
i know its bad because its not my home...but nothing was destroyed thank god. i set up the captains room, (this picture) where red lights, played snowy red on the stereo and had candles,pot,wine,rum,beer,cigerettes...

haha...this photo makes me crack up. jan look wasted.

then down stairs was a deck and a big table.

so okay update on the rocket scientists.

hmmmm.....the hot iranian rocket scientist showed up, the shy french one did not. i was too nervous and high strung and hi that i couldnt talk with anyone for more than 5 minutes...this stupid ass from berlin showed up wearing a cowboy hat.
okay so what else ... im too stupid to write right now.

this is my home. seriously. it's 10 pm on a friday night...and i'm still living in this building. the inside is not so glamorous as the outside.

interesting twist in life-- i met another rocket scientist. this one is french. not super cute...but...attractive. i met him at a party like two weeks ago...and he decided he wanted to take german from me...so now he sits front row center every day. i also found out we live in the same building. so okay...i kind of like him, but i can't think about him because it's distracting to my work. he wants to cook me dinner next friday...hmmm. bad thing is....he's good friends with the other rocket scientist i made out with at a party back in the spring...and it would be good if the two of them did not talk about me. anyways.

that about the only exciting update. unless you're dying to hear about how my paper is progressing.