few thoughts from the chickamauga

that's amber doing her posh spice pose on the boat this afternoon. the sun was out! it wasn't raining...perfect day. i smoked way too much today, my eyes hurt, i'm tired and really cranky.

someone asked me the other day why i still want to write a blog....so maybe its narcism right? that i think my life is so cool that i'll want to read about it later on...or that i think other people would want to read about my life. but really....i think the real reason i write is because i don't like people. is that wrong? when i say this...i'm being completely honest. i dislike 98 percent of the population of the world.

even my best friend back in montana...the capricorn film star....the one who i'm writing the script with.....pffff....it's shit everyone. it's like my life, based on all my journals...with a displaced capricorn playing me! so she takes all my experiences and places herself as the main character....and even though she does have 'hollywood' connections....and knows all the people one has to know to make a film and has all the money to fund the project.......i'm thinking....fuck this. take my name off the script. be done with it. i don't want to make her version of my life and i'm not willing to compromise on certain aspects. b.aaaaah. in discontinuing work on the script, i will have to initiate a huge cat fight with my best friend...which may lead to severe friendship consquences. this sucks.

okay....so i'm a narcissist. yes, i think everyone in the world needs to think a little bit more like me....doesn't need to revolve around me....but everyone needs to have my ideas because my ideas are right....most of the time.

i don't like most people in the entire universal stratosphere right now including/(sometimes except for) myself. but this is what its like for most people i think...even though no one else really says it. even at my pirate party....i looked around at all the guests at one point in the evening and thought...

"well, these are all the people you were able to bring to one spot over the past year and a half -this is your selection of people"

i honestly have to say i needed to get very very fucked up in order to relax and have fun with them. i'm so on edge around everyone. so what do i do? leave the program? leave this city? go write....go write about what....of course it would be great to be an international writer where you could travel around and take pictures and tell stories ....tell real stories...since the media is into reality right now. but everyone would love that job and i don't know how to do it and make money doing it. if i could do and support myself, i would be gone in a minute.

so i'll remain shackeled in acedamia until i can find a way out.

by the way and on a completely different note....it's kind of scary on the tugboat at night. i'm scared of sea creatures looking at me....or of some big ugly fisherman breaking into the tugboat and killing me just because i'm planted in the middle of an industrial boat yard where no other humans dwell. oh by the way...this boat is historic too. its the first ever diesel powered tug boat to have run in the usa. its called the chickamauga...and it's even on the internet.

okay i have to go to bed. my eyes are burning.