july update!!

hello hello! kbab thanx for making me write! well, i have been writing actually…just more in my journal because the stuff that’s been happening over the past months have been rather personal and i haven’t wanted to broadcast them. so it’s july already!!!! crazy shit…i was swept up in a tornado of events and feel like i’m still in the eye of the storm, yet i have so many priorities, i have no idea how to manage my time. so the past two months have consisted of me hooking up with one of my best friends, going out on a random night on the town with a millionaire from the dominican republic, and also dating this guy i was tutoring…3 guys at once…it was too much. it was overloaded. i’m just not the type of person to date so many people at once, it’s too stressful. one person is enough- so i decided on “the capricorn” –my good friend. the capricorn is a rock climber, who rides a motorcycle, and is extremely good looking… there’s no possibility really for a relationship…so we’re just sort of really enjoying the summer together.
marc- one of my very good friends from germany is coming to visit in 2 days!!! and he’s going to stay for three weeks and i can’t wait to show him mt there’s already a three day camping trip planned in the desert with my seattle friends where we are all planning on taking mushrooms and discovering the point of life.
i have no idea where i will be a year from now….nooooo idea….tho i’m really hoping for istanbul…please please…let it be istanbul.
ooh…another thing is i’m getting to know my neighbors a lot better. they are these kids, who consider themselves revolutionaries…they have these block parties and invite all of their friends and bring out turn tables and dance, drink, smoke pot. they’re not students, in fact one of them was in prison for three years, but they are super intelligent…they read marx for goodness sake…for fun. the purpose of their block parties is to create an environment where students will dialogue with street kids….but students never end up stopping…so its mostly just them and their friends and me. anyways…so i went to a party with them a few weeks ago and i was the only white girl at the party. when we went to sit down, they all pulled out their guns from their pants and put them on the table. kind of freaking out, i asked them what they were doing and they told me not to make a scene…they were 9 mm, so i got up to walk around…to leave the guns, and as i’m walking through this house party, this chick with a huge afro stared me down and as i walked by she was like ‘who’s that bitch?’ i was scared i was either going to get my ass kicked or be shot…in every room there were huge muscular guys with guns. a part of me was really intrigued, because i had never been in a setting like this before…and another part of me was really scared. so i stayed for about an hour and smoked a blunt with my neighbors and then this really shy hispanic kid took me home in a black bronco with black windows. i felt like I was in a movie.
anyways…so that’s what i’ve been up to. i’m heading home in two days…i’ll try to keep posting. happy summer!

look at my card collection folks. i’ve collected almost 3 decks….i’ve been finding cards lately everywhere. actually…i met some card throwers. they’re the transient kids that hang out on the ave. everyday…i think the majority of them are homeless. they get cards for free and they try to bounce them on the tops of buildings…i’ve seen them do it. they showed me actually one night when went to talk with them. it was cool because i finally have a face to go with some of the cards i found. some of the cards have messages written on them that say ‘homeless’…and that’s all. anyways…its true…the experiment of manifesting playing cards worked. now…let’s see if i can shift some of that manifesting in a new direction….what else can i make appear in great quantities.

happy easter. there is actually life on the streets and in the markets today despite the downpouring rain.

i went to the 'cult' today, that's what i'm calling this new spiritual place i go to on sundays. it's not a church, they call it the center for spiritual living. they basically try to combine all basic theories of all religions...sometimes its interesting, but sometimes it's extreemly cult like. i go because of my cancer friend, as in my friend who's astrological sign is cancer, not as in my friend who has cancer. she's a very cool lady who's traveled with me in berlin, turkey and ireland. she keeps me sort of reminded that there is magic in life. she collects metal...which is interesting because the scorpio also collects metal...i collect playing cards, they collect metal. oh...i'm gonna have to blog about the latest playing cards...i have to tell you about that. but a different time.

anyways, so the 'cult' lady is telling us that today is the shift of consciousness day. as in get yourself ready -for what ever needs to be shifted, get set -aware, and go -move forward, with the past cut away. ...well honestly i have to say that was a bit passe' what she said today. i would have like something a bit more earth shattering...but whatever, shift of conscioussness okay fine.

by the way i was really disappointed with oceans thirteen and the bourne ultimatum. oceans thirteen seems like a bunch of good ol boy hollywood men who like what they see, just sort of playing themselves...but badly. i don't know it was annoying. the editing in the bourne ultimatum bothered me as well...how much anticipation does the editor think a person can have. after a while i stopped caring. but i did like the random cameo appearance from daniel bruhl though. :)))

so yeah. well i still have to configure all my students grades. i decided i'm going to be the nicest ta ever and bump up the grades because i'm so pissed off at this institution. i'm not going to fail anyone either, i'm just going to give incompletes...because i really liked my class this quarter. i had a fourteen years old, who was kind of nerdy and insecure at the beginning but this big football player, who's loud and really excited to learn german, took the fourteen year old under his big football wing and they've become good friends. that's just an example of two of them...but i don't know, the class just clicked really well this quarter..... teaching is always the best part of the day...it's the fun part. it's like having an audience haha.

so yeah... happy easter.

well its saturday morning...one of those very few mornings where one has the free ability to do whatever they choose, without anything hanging over their heads. this past week has been like a huge push through a black tunnel -i had to write and finish two papers...which doesn't sound like much, but believe me, its some intense times of sitting in front of a computer all the time...where days don't exist by the sunlight...they exist by when you can't write anymore and when you need to rest to have more energy to write more.

but anyways...that's in the past.

so the plan now. yes. the plan now is to have no plan. i came to this exciting realization yesterday, that for the past 6 years of my life, i have been planning it, i have been planning it for a ph.d. in german...and now...that that has been delayed...or may never happen....at first, obviously, i was freaking out ....because it was all about this fucking life PLAN. okay i know this is not some big realization for everyone, but for me this was pretty cool.

i have options: i can go to turkey, teach english-learn turkish, i can move to montana p.a. a film or finish writing the other script, i can go to DC and hang out for a while and write, i can go to prague and teach, .......so im just gonna have to listen to my intuition, and see what i feel like doing. that's kind of scary too.

anyways not to dwell on not having a plan, i will move on.

i've also move into this new apartment. its of course a down size cause why else would i have left that last place...but this new place is 250 bucks cheaper a month. my neighbors door emanates pot fumes, and i can play my music as loud as i want. the kitchen is bright yellow to the point of excess, but i'm getting used to it.

i laughed out loud yesterday at the video store. i left the scorpios house and decided to rent like four dvds to watch over spring break. either i was stoned, which i was, ...but really stoned i was not, or i was really spacey because i never intended to get four! dvds in the first place. but i randomly picked out the most cheesy masculine action films ever -oceans thirteen, the bourne ultimatum, war (only because of jason stathom) and man push cart.

well i guess that's one way spring is drowning me.

this is the concert i went to,

you are jealous i know. :)

well....i cant seem to bring myself to write on the blog lately cause it doesn't seem like i have too many positive things to say. so basically, i'm done with grad school. i've decided not to continue for a phd. ...for several reasons...don't really want to get into them all...but the main one is they were not going to allow me to pursue the topic turkish/german migration and literature...they would have rather had it that i learned french, because old dead bourgeois french guys had more of an impact on german culture back when people cared about aristocratic bullshit philosophie and poetry. i'm not happy can you tell?

so i don't have a plan right now. i'm thinking i'm going to get my ESL certificate and move to istanbul for a year or two and learn turkish...then i'll come back and figure out if i want to go back to academia...which i really right now do not....or if i want to do something with international education. i thought about working for the govt. being some sort of an ambassator or something...but i can't....seeing that i was newly reminded that i am a criminal and will have a fcking criminal record my whole life. sooooooooooooooooooo. any reccomendations would be helpful.

i went to an awesome concert this week...ukranian gypsie punk band called gogol bordello....i probably should have entered the mosh pit to get sweaty and really feel the music...but it was kind of scary...these huge neonazi's were there, they were really muscular with tatoos all over their necks...i didn't really want to be moshed down my them. wtf were they doing there anyways.

yeah...so now i have to write two papers...actually i'm procrastinating right now. i'm in a state of shock....a state of academic paralysis.....a state of fuck you and fuck them...and i have to still dance to their tune and it pisses me off. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

well...at least i'm writing about someone cool for one of the papers......my new secret dead lover bertolt brecht....i think we would have had wonderful revolutionary children.

and i'm eating pistachios cause i'm nervous and i'm trying to think of the next sentence and all i can hear is drunk people out on the streets screaming reminding me that is saturday night and i'm writing a pointless paper that no one will ever read.

boo hoo where's the tiniest violin i need it.

well whatever, i have everyone and everything so there.

deep breath. 15 seconds think of positive things. i passed my exam. i had a great trip to the island with five great people. i found the two of hearts. i experienced magic two days ago. the sun is out. was that 15 seconds yet? okay. i don’t really feel better, but i think i do.
so yeah. i’m officially in the ph.d. program. i found out by email from student services that “my application for a masters degree had been approved by the germanics dept.” totally anti-climatic. i’m just a number, there was no feedback on all my work…just a “you passed.”
so i took a trip over the weekend to celebrate. to clear my head. to get away. we were supposed to go to vacouver, but i got stopped at the border. they did a background check on me and then a huge border patrol officer with ice grey blue eyes brought me into a small room and asked me if i had ever been arrested. my heart sunk. images of stealing clothes from the mall as a teenager with my friends started flashing in my head. the store clerk yelling at me, the cops handcuffing me….. shoplifting…. 8 years ago. i remember sitting in the back of the cop car, handcuffed and the song, “just like a white winged dove, sings the song sounds like shes singin…ooo baby ooo baby ooo” was playing on the radio. so i admitted to officer ice eyes that i had been arrested. then he started drilling me with questions, what did i steal, how much was it worth….and i couldn’t remember what i stole, or how much it was worth and he thought i was lying. after about 20 minutes of intimidation, he told me i was not allowed into canada because i’m not only a criminal but a threat to canadian citizens, and they do not let criminals into canada. i had to keep from laughing at that moment because he was very serious. so then asked him if i was forever banned from canada and he said until 2010, because in 2010, if i have no other arrests, i will no longer be considered a threat. then he made me sign a contract that said if i try to cross the border before 2010, they will arrest me on the spot.

so i slowly walked by to my friends and told them i couldn’t go with them to canada…so we all went to wouldbe island. Would be, couldbe, shouldbe….there was a guy i was dating last fall who a really liked, who left seattle to moved to wouldbe island, i was bummed. i thought about him a lot while we were on the island picking up seashells, collecting rocks, drinking,… yesterday morning i got up early to go for a walk cause everyone was passed out still. i brought my 35 mm and had some black and white film i wanted to shoot. yesterday was beautiful…the cascades were snow covered and clear, rising up behind the ocean. i had to idea what town i was in because we arrived on the island at like 2 a.m. and were very lucky to get a hotel. i wanted to explore the town, so i went to a little coffee shop to write in my journal and watch people. as i was standing at the counter looking through my purse, i heard someone say my name. i looked up. it was him. J damn. my hands started shaking, my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. i was speechless. but it was beautiful! we smoked a cigarette, talked, he drank a coffee with me. i kept staring at him. i decided we were meant to be together forever because of this coincidence. then he said, “i just had a baby girl last month” ABORT ABORT ABORT!!! damn. that sucked to hear that. but i guess in the end, it doesn’t really matter….he lived on wouldbe island, not in my city. it was just cool though. that innocent coincidence. fleeing love. i couldn’t stop smiling. then i found a card yesterday. the 2 of hearts. i had to smile more.

and now reality hits. and the magic left me. and i’m dissatisfied with the people i’ve met in this city. i really miss my friends in germany.
but whatever…fuck it. who cares. in the end we are all alone anyways.

and i know i’m cool…because i am banned from canada and how many people do you know that can say that!

the hottest duo ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

and i'm under a lot of PRESSURE RIGHT NOW!!

Mesecina

i haven't been posting lately because my exam is in two weeks!!!!!! 2 weeks!!!! but...i've been listening to goran bregovic...and mentally i wish i could be in the center of this extasy of music.

Handel - Xerxes - Ombra mai fu

Ombra mai fu di vegetabile,
cara ed amabile,
soave più.
Never was there shade of vegetation
dear and amiable
More sweet

its snowing! unbelievable. i just turned in my second draft of my ma paper. 32 pages. whew, i hope it’s next to complete and i don’t have to write it again. i’m listening to this dj kicks he’s great…i think maybe southern france african electronic genre…ok, very random i know, but this is why i love the scorpio because she gets all this stuff. anyways…so i checked out the new apartment i’m moving into in february. it’s the most disgusting piece of shit apartment i’ve ever seen…but it’s in a cool, building, i’ll be paying 250 dollars less a month for rent, and i think it has potential. the painful part is…it’s like a third of the size of my apartment right now…there’s no view…it’s on a very busy intersection across from all the bars…so loud! and it’s been inhabited by a chubby sweaty man from turkmenistan for the past 11 years. i wanted to cry when i saw it…but okay…i have to deal with it, because this is the realistic price range for my shitty teaching assistant salary.
so i’m almost completely out of treats and won’t be able to afford anything for about a month…but it’s cool, because i’ve been running again and need to focus for the next 12 days. today i have to go to the library and research a topic...and read read read read…for the next 2 days i will turn into a reading machine, drinking tea, underling, highlighting…but actually what i’m reading is pretty cool. i’m reading about performance and this woman marina abromovic from former jugoslavia. she apparently gave this radical performance where she stripped down naked on a stage, then sat at a table and drank a glass full of honey and then chugged a bottle of red wine. then she stood up and smashed the empty wine glass with her hand and blood went everywhere and then she took out a whip and started whipping her back, then she took out a razor and cut a 5 pointed star into her stomach…and THEN she went and laid down on a block of ice and bled. and she just laid there. till finally the people from the audience got very nervous and came up onto the stage and rescued her and called the ambulance….—so this is important because she came up with a performance that was able to break the ‘wall’ between the audience and the stage. very interesting.
and the presentation i gave last week was pretty cool too. i was using foucault to help me argue that the place of the ‘bed’ is a site of transportation. because it transports one from the real world to the fantastic realm of dreams. haha. foucault’s essays on space are really fun to read. he’s talks about mirrors and in mirrors there is a space…and there is also a space where the image of oneself is reconstructed and recognized….i don’t know…i guess what i’m reading is cool…so that’s nice…cause there’s a lot to read.

on that note, i’m gonna head out into the snow now and get to the library.
ciao.

ps. evel knievel man....rip.
i was all high and emotional last night when i heard he died so i called my mom and said...'yeah but evel knievel jumped the snake river and if he can to that on a motor bike, i can certainly finish all my papers.'...and then my mom answers with a dry voice..."yeah, but evel knievel didn't make the jump...he took a baseball bat instead and beat up a bunch of cops and had to go to prison for a couple of years." and that kind of killed my analogy.

Elevator Terminator

stereo total.

there was a magnificant sunrise this morning. i awoke in a clean apartment because procrastination took over last night as i cleaned like every last inch of the place. the aries and i went jogging. the aries is a very interesting girl. first off she's beautiful and she sort of dances in a constant ferris wheel of men who come in and out of her life. well the aries is throwing this big thankgiving dinner and she's inviting about 20 people --her parties are always these mixture of international students, i don't think there are any other americans there besides me --mostly french, iranian, spanish, finnish, turkish-- seriously now that i'm thinking about it, i am the only american --and i think that's cool. it's nice to know that i can still find the international community in the states. anyways. both rocket scientists are coming. pfff.

the jog was good though. i'm going to take a break from smoking and start working out for a while. i think i'll be able to keep my head clearer during this stressful paper writing time...and smoking will just make me want to be social.

so this will probably be the last post for a while....who knows...maybe i will actually post...but i don't see myself having even a half an hour of time for anything else but my studies for the next 2 and half weeks. i have to seriously buckel down now. today i'm reading the communist manifest from marx. i have to cause it's on the reading list...i feel all cool with it on the coffee table.

this week the news on the floor is concerning the some girl in the germanics dept who went to italy for an exchange and ended up murdering her roommate. wierd. she stabbed her in the neck after her boyfriend raped the girl that they killed. very strange and horrible. i just can't imagine the kind of state that you are in that you would do that...like actually kill someone --another international student---during your exchange---

okay -enough of the depressing stuff and bizarr.

so...my fate is waiting for me. the page is blank, there is a blinking curser waiting for me to construct the second draft of my MA paper. i'll have to produce three pages a day to get that one out of the way first.

hope you all are having fun where ever in the world you are and taking advantage of the fall. its the best season really.

ps. drink pumpkin flavored latte's.

CSS - Let's Make Love and Listen to Death From Above

i love this band right now.

its that time in the quarter where everything is breaking. my computer was kaputt for about 3 days as i found out it was infected with a bunch of viruses, my camera was broken, my shoes -my nice brown and orange ones from france are literally coming apart at the seems, all my pencils ran out of led, very few of my pens still have ink. my leather bag is ripping, my cell phone antena broke off after i accidentally smashed it against the floor. what is going on?!

yes what the fck is going on. i have four papers to write in the next month. i'm freaking out. i'm wondering if i can do this. at the same time, some things are looking up - i got a package from matt and he sent me a new camera! thank you. seriously that was really nice. also i finally found a cute guy in the building to have a crush on.

had a wierd experience the other day. the guy that i usually get my pot from ended up getting busted and arrested. they let him out but he hasn't been to trial yet. anyways...he tells me the whole story --which i probably shouldn't write about on my blog-- but in the end it came to that he wants to hang out now and be my friend.

....

so i have to stop and think about that.

anyways i think i'm going out to the rainy streets and cafe's tonight to do work. i can't stay couped up in denny. the streets of this city are the great equalizers of its inhabitants, students, bums, punks, businessmen, chineese, japanese, german, spanish, moroccan, french, -you hear all these languages. i live in the part of the city that's really alive and i appreciate that....although sometimes it makes everything inside my head seem to scream at me in blinking lights, strong smells, rain, cars, people, cigerette smoke. a lot of people smoke here, which is surprising because this city projects itself to be so clean. emine oezdamars said "Rauchen ist das wichtigste Requisit eines Sozialisten."

i smoke. i wish i didn't but i do and i love it. i love rolling danish export in brown licorice papers.

i'm wearing darker eye make up these days. i think it goes better with the rain. also...i found the joker last week in the alley by my favorite cafe. now i have two jokers. damn the joker...i think he's what's messin with me right now.